the extreme narcissist

Is this what is has come to ? I'm a guy for God's sake, I shouldn't behave like this, and yet, I somehow I feel like losing it. I haven't yet, and I shall not anytime soon. But yes, it has come to this. I now stalk the night, the still and the oh so silent darkness. Nothing lies waiting in the shadows for me, nothing is there for me to fear, nothing there to make me feel. I take the blame. The excessive hope I had harboured blew up like a massive grenade propelled at me at point blank range. " Love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt, it makes me feel like I'm alive", the most dumbfounded quote I have ever come across. So, I shall stalk the night walkers that aren't there, the eerie sounds of the night that now soothe me, the dim lights which seem so brightly lit in the dark. But worst of all, I shall stalk the stars of the night sky, the beautiful shimmering orbs of beauty, oh how they mock me now, reminding me of what cannot be.

Sleep, I fear you. For I may dream of what might have been, and then wake up to find it all gone, all but a painful reminder of how we can never be. I apologize if you read this and it upsets you, for my intentions are nothing of the sort. This is the only place where I can vent my pain. Even my beloved Gorillaz can't make me smile. Friends, who I would enjoy the company of now, remain illusive for some reason, even those who have nothing to do don't seem to care. "Beauty fades with time, but happiness is everlasting. Find someone who is beautiful, and you'll love her but for a moment. Find someone who makes you happy and you'll love her forever. I was lucky to find someone who was both".

If it were anyone else who said no, perhaps I would've tried to convince that person otherwise, anyone else but you. The fact that you knew me inside out, right side up and upside down and came to a decision, there would be no possible way to convince you otherwise. I may never understand why you said what you did, but I have no damn choice but to accept it. It will hurt for some time, knowing you can never be mine, I can never hold you in my arms and not let you go.But, I did ask you to be honest, which is all I ever wanted. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it .

Its been almost 2 months now since that exam that once everyone dreaded has concluded. Many of my friends have left for college and are now busy with work & assignments. Those who chose to stay behind meanwhile have jobs and are occupied most of the day. My days are now filled with utter boredom. The only thing that brings me joy is my ps3, and even that is becoming boring. Why don't I get a job? I don't know. Why did I not enroll in college? I don't know . Why do I keep asking myself questions I don't have the answer to? I don't know. The scary part is the fact that it's only January, and I'm leaving in friggin October. So for approximately 9 more months, I have nothing to do. 270 pointless days are dawning upon me. Meh. I think I'm gonna go back to that corner and start crying again. And maybe play some checkers. With myself. Excellent *presses fingers together*.